Say what? The things people say to pregnant women . . .
Posted on September 20 2012
I'm now almost 4 months pregnant. It's hard to believe how quickly it's all happening. The last time I was pregnant was 4 years ago, so I've surprisingly forgotten a lot. I forgot how paralyzed I was with exhaustion during the first trimester. I forgot how difficult it was to find something appetizing to eat. I forgot how quickly I outgrow my regular clothes, and I forgot how disrespectful people can be, particularly, family members. I've learned not to take these unsolicited comments personally, but they always make me pause.
Mark and I have decided not to find out the gender of the baby until he/she is born. The other day my dear mother-in-law said, "Bring me your next ultrasound photo. I can take a look and tell." First, unless you're an ultrasound technician or a doctor, it's quite difficult to look at a print-out of an ultrasound and determine the gender of the baby. Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't the baby have to be in the right position at the right time to actually see the "goods"? Second, both my husband and I have clearly stated that our wish is to keep the gender a surprise. Why would one go out of one's way to ruin that surprise for us?
The other alarming comment I got was from my aunt. I was at my cousin's bridal shower on Saturday evening, and my dear aunt says, "You must be having a boy. You look so unattractive. Your face just looks awful." I just had to grin and bear it, so as not to cause a scene, but WOW. Old wives tale or not, I'm pretty certain that the gender of the baby in one's womb has no bearing on how one's face looks. Also, even if you truly believe this, have you no filter? How about giving a pregnant lady a break?
I realize that this blog post has become a mini-vent session, but I just had to write these things down. Have any other mothers or pregnant women out there experienced jaw-dropping comments like these or are my family members just outright rude?
42 comments
Thanks :)
hahahaha…I’ve heard this one far too many times.
You are soooo right! What more preparation do we need than diapers, onesies, and blankets?
Caroline, I do feel that the hormones are getting to me…and that’s totally ok ;)
Congratulations! I have 2 amazing girls too. I’m sure you have your hands full so thanks for taking the time to read/comment.
When I was pregnant with our first, my husband and I worked at the same company. One day our supervisor looked at me and told me that when our baby was born, “it’d” (like you, we didn’t want to know the sex) be covered in hair because my husband always had scruff. I so badly wanted to say something but didn’t because he was my supervisor and my husband would still have to deal with him after I left. A bit later in my pregnancy he asked how pregnant I was-7 1/2 months. He told me there was no way that I was 7 1/2 months pregnant because I didn’t look big enough to be “that” pregnant (I was all belly). A week or so later, my doctor ordered me off of work and 4 days after that I had our son, 5 1/2wks early. Besides a 3wk stay in the NICU, everything was fine but our son was covered in “peach fuzz” because of his early arrival and not being fully developed.
Some people don’t realize what they are saying or just don’t care.
Hugs to you!
I too got many rude comments during all three of my pregnancies. My first born is a boy and all my relatives and employees at my mother in law’s company were sure that it was going to be a boy because I got uglier. Then her best friend looked at my belly when I was three months along and said, “I looked smaller than that when I was 5 months preganant”. With my second and third pregnancies, both my mother and mother in law and my uncle at Christmas dinner asked if I was SURE it wasn’t twins. I told my uncle that I was having triplets.
Nat, what a story! I hope your supervisor had a wake-up call with this one. SO glad to hear your son is healthy. My daughter was in the NICU for 10 days and it was the scariest 10 days ever. Thanks for sharing such a personal story.
That’s unfortunate and it doesn’t stop with pregnant mothers. We adopted our baby boy and we received people asking us how much we paid for the adoption and why his mother “gave him up.” Sometimes, people feel like they know you better than they really do so they were either not taught the right way to interact by their parents or they are just rude and expect you to “live with it.”
I am 34 weeks pregnant and my mom hates the name we picked out for our little guy. We chose to name him Zander Stephen. She has chosen to call him critter and tell me every day she hates the name! I am really getting sick of her telling me this. I have told her too bad on many occasions! I am so glad I live 6 hours away from her!
Seriously??? I just read the most eye-opening article about adoption in Vogue magazine last night. After going through such a rigorous process, I’m sorry to hear you have to endure ridiculous comments and questions.
Mothers…can’t live with ’em or without ’em! Ha! On a more serious note, I think parents sometimes lose their filters completely. I remember fighting so much with my mom when my daughter was a newborn. She helped me tremendously but offered up SO much unsolicited advice that I was losing my mind…Hang in there!
I would have just said, well I’m just pregnant & my face & body will go back to normal after the baby arrives, but what’s ur excuse? Just got smacked with the ugly stick today? I swear family can b 1000x worse than friends &/or strangers. LOL
Love reading about the personal side of the business. It’s super refreshing. And yes, people do say random things to pregnant ladies. I once had an elderly lady tell me that my delivery was probably going to be a breeze, since I had “birthing hips.”
I don’t know what that means, but she may/may not have been telling me my ass was big? :)
hahaha…“birthing hips” I know it wasn’t funny when you heard it, but it just blows me away.
I was in a business meeting close to the end of my pregnancy and was explaining to a client who he could contact in my absense as I would be off work for the next year. He asked why (I thought it was pretty clear that I was 8.5 months pregnant) and I responded that i was due in two weeks and his response to me was “oh I thought maybe you were just fat”. Ya hard to believe I know!!!! Not only did I give him a piece of my mind and ended the meeting very quickly I also involved HR and Legal to follow up with him to let him know it is NOT ok to say that to anyone!!! I received an apologetic email from him the following day…
I was a size 10 when I got pregnant and gained 30 pounds so in my mind I was healthy and felt great about my body. Now that I have a beautiful 8.5 month old baby girl and am back to my pre-pregnancy weight and feel great, I just laugh at the thought of anyone saying that to a pregnant woman!
Love your Lollacups! Going to a place in Toronto this week to stock up for my little one and my nieces and nephews :)
Karen
XO
Karen, thanks for commenting on my blog. I read this last night before going to bed and was completely blown away. It’s simply crazy the things we have to deal with during a quite challenging time in our lives.
There’s one in every family… my family’s chinese, so we have like 20 :)
I think you are well-justified in venting, but I also deeply respect your ‘grinning and bearing it’. I am quite certain that your Aunt said it without thought, and – family is family. Good on you, and best of luck with the little one.
This was so comforting to find! I’m due in about a week, and honestly the comments are making me crazy! So much so that I’ve started lying to the many, many people (strangers one and all) who keep asking me what the gender of the baby is. I respond politely that my husband and I are keeping it a surprise.Total strangers on the sidewalk will approach me and ask, and you’re right: they act really disappointed when I tell them I don’t know, which makes no sense. Why do they care?? I actually started lying about having a girl when a few strangers made comments like, “Oh, that’s too bad. Better luck next time.” I don’t need their negativity, and I cannot believe I’m hearing comments like that in 2013. Today was the worst. I look and feel terrible. I couldn’t find a comfortable position last night, and so I got no sleep. I can’t really complain, because my pregnancy didn’t become that uncomfortable until a few days ago and not much time remains after all, so I’m just trying to make the best of it. I went to get a manicure to make myself feel a little more presentable, and the manicurist said, “Do you have a lot of kids already?” “Um…no,” I said. “This is my first.”I thought to myself, “What the heck?” “REALLY?” she replied all surprised. In general, everyone has assumed this is my first child, because I look really young for my age, but she definitely let me know how run-down and exhausted I looked this morning :( I still over-tipped her, ugh. Afterwards I went to pick up groceries and got the question about the baby’s gender. When I lied to the cashier that I didn’t know, she started guessing the baby’s gender based on my body shape! “You carry girls really round and boys mumble-jumble.” I couldn’t understand. I shut her down: “Look, I’m wearing a sweater, a thick scarf under my coat and a winter coat. You really can’t tell HOW I’m shaped.” That stopped her. However, the absolute worst was a stranger who came up to me at about 7 months and said: “It hurts. It hurts a lot. And sleep now. Need any other advice?” I just looked at her like she was crazy (which, obviously, she was) and said, “No.” Then I walked away. Ah, the joys of living in a crowded (New York) city. The creepiest was the delivery guy who hit on me the other day, “Hey bonita,” he called out. I looked down at my belly, sure he was not speaking to me although (creepily) there was no one else up and down the whole street. “Yeah, I’m talking to you. I LIKE that. I like that a lot.” GROSS!! A pregnancy fetishist. Yes, I’ve heard them all. I agree with you…I don’t get why people feel they can endlessly comment on your body just because you’re pregnant. Thankfully, I’ve only had one complete stranger actually rub my tummy (I don’t mind at all when acquaintances or friends touch me), so I’m counting my blessings!